wow

life has a funny way of nearly killing me so that i might fight a little harder. i'm in a lot of pain and have been sitting for the last hour trying to decide if this is the worst pain i've ever been in, and decided its like 3rd maybe 4th. shingles suck, but this isn't the worst, so i guess i should be happy, or at least realize i can distract myself from having to feel every little burning nerve pain. that's what this blog has been; time to write and spill the pain out for the most part. i try to keep a little bit of a diary, but most of the time i just want to vent. i want to scream and carry on like a hysterical child, but i know i'll just be tired and feel shittier in the end, so here i am. ironically, last week i was complaining to my brother about writers block. i said something like good authentic writing only comes from oppression. i guess i don't need an oppressor when i do pretty well on my own. i've been kinda worried for months bc i expected things to turn out horrible when i tried to go back to college. college seems to translate to extreme illness and terrible clerical and postage luck for me. i had thought i might make it through healthy and smoothly if i started far enough in advance and remained calm. i'm not so sure if my terrible forboding was me manifesting this shit storm or just being in tune with what was coming so i'd be slightly less dissappointed. either way, this particular series of events was not something i expected, but its close enough for me to still giggle and say, but of course. as varujin mazmanian said to me many times at stevens, if i don't laugh, i'll cry.